Telephone menu options for a dial-in mental health clinic:

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........ newer and better for 2009!


"The Five Stages of Drunkenness"

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.


This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.


You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are smart, your RICH and Hell, your better looking than them anyway!


This is the final stage of Drunkenness. at this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU, You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words.

Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch, in D minor
Kyles' mom's a bitch She's a big fat bitch She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch She's a bitch to all the boys and girls On Monday, she's a bitch On Tuesday, she's a bitch On Wednesday through Saturday, she's a bitch Then on Sunday, just to be different She's a super King Kamehameha bee-atch Have you ever met my friend Kyles' mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world She's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair She's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, yes she's a stupid bitch Kyles' mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch Kyles' mom is a bit-cha.("bitch" - 31 times!!):

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Things you would never know ....... if it weren't for American TV & Movies

The infamous Airport Gag!:


The famous Mad Cow Test!

Your Fun Names!

I don't know if you've tried these pub-games - but if you haven't you should .......... you may find the results a BIG laugh ( Game1: clever & quite amusing, Game2: just as clever & bloody funny!!!!)

Game1: The Novelist
To find you fun "Nome de plume" (your authors name, ya nit), simply add:

Game2: The Porn Star
To find you fun equivalent of "Dirk Digler", just add:

Video of the British office workers' tribute to Steve Redgrave's 5 Olympic rowing gold medals:

If you know what RTFM stands for, you probably have the dubious pleasure of working in IT and would (admit it or not) like my sad techy humour page