Telephone menu options for a dial-in mental health
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, have somebody press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple-personality disorder, press 3, 4, and 5.
- If you are paranoid-delusional, you don't have to press any
number. We know how to find you.
- If you are schizophrenic, wait for the little voice to tell
you which number to press.
- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press. No-one will answer.
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........ newer and better for 2009!
"The Five Stages of Drunkenness"
Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in
the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to
pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage
you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to
is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both
parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in
the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a
perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to
you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to
this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the
world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an
armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also
make bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so
naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much
you bet'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone
that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone,
especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This
is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up
to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to
a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle,
because you are smart, your RICH and Hell, your better looking
than them anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. at this point you can do
anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU, You dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in
the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who
wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the
top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because
you're still SMART you know ALL the words.
Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch, in
Kyles' mom's a bitch She's a big fat bitch She's
the biggest bitch in the whole wide world She's a stupid bitch
if there ever was a bitch She's a bitch to all
the boys and girls On Monday, she's a bitch On Tuesday,
she's a bitch On Wednesday through Saturday, she's a bitch
Then on Sunday, just to be different She's a super King Kamehameha
bee-atch Have you ever met my friend Kyles' mom? She's the
biggest bitch in the whole wide world She's a mean old bitch
and she has stupid hair She's a bitch bitch bitch bitch
bitch bitch bitch bitch Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
bitch, yes she's a stupid bitch Kyles' mom's a bitch
and she's just a dirty bitch Kyles' mom is a bit-cha.("bitch"
- 31 times!!):
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Viz Top Tips
- Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at
the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the
b*****d thing in the first place.
- Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way
at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
- Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class
Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards,
painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It
never fails to impress the girls.
- Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears,
talking gibberish and singing all the time.
- Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
- Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling
them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging
up half way through their reply.
- Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day.
They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or
- Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
- Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by
drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your
head repeatedly on the wall.
- Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog
turd into the bath.
- Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your
hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the
shower on every time you want to speak.
- Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles
of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
- Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get
drunk, lie in a sand pit in your garden and make-out with every
bloke who looks at you over the fence.
- Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering
wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus
chatting casually to the passengers.
- International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot
James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no
circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him
in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
- People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an
empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for
office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense
of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore
increase your chances of getting the job
Here's the best advert ever, in the whole history of
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Things you would never know ....... if it weren't for
American TV & Movies
- During all police investigations it will be necessary to
visit a strip club at least once!
- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing parade - on any day of the year.
- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to
the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man
lying beside her.
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and
you can travel to any other part of the building you want
- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
- You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless
you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your
sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it
will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent
- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or
killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist
trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.
- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take
out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will
always be the exact fare.
- Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from
elsewhere in the universe.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen
at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
- Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will
always say: Enter Password Now.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their
family every morning even though their husband and children
never have time to eat it.
- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective -
or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size
of Wembley Stadium.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons
at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century
will have lost this technology.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and
- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to
right every few moments.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing deviceswith large
red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building
you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
bump into will know all the steps.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough tooverride the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner
until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head,
they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion,
volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Police Departments give their officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English
to each other.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a
child trapped inside.
- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will
cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that
affects you personally at that precise moment.
- Every platoon in the Vietnam war had someone who could play
The infamous Airport Gag!:
- Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac? - He lay awake all
night wondering if there is a dog.
- If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land
on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a
cat and drop it?
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization
- I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I say `Come here,
Stay!' After a while the dog went insane and couldn't move at
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before.
- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have
- What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? - "Dam".
The famous Mad Cow Test!:
Your Fun Names!
I don't know if you've tried these pub-games - but if you
haven't you should .......... you may find the results a BIG laugh
( Game1: clever & quite amusing, Game2: just as clever &
Game1: The Novelist
To find you fun "Nome de plume" (your authors name, ya nit),
- (1) Your Middle name
- (2) The road name where you grew up (drop the "Road",
Game2: The Porn Star
To find you fun equivalent of "Dirk Digler", just add:
- (1) The name of your 1st pet
- (2) Your mother's maiden name
Video of the British office workers' tribute to Steve
Redgrave's 5 Olympic rowing gold medals:
If you know what RTFM stands for, you probably have
the dubious pleasure of working in IT and would (admit it or not)
like my sad techy humour page