Telephone menu options for a dial-in mental health clinic:

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent, have somebody press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple-personality disorder, press 3, 4, and 5.
• If you are paranoid-delusional, you don't have to press any number. We know how to find you.
• If you are schizophrenic, wait for the little voice to tell you which number to press.
• If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No-one will answer.

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........ newer and better for 2009!

One-Liners!

• Why is there only one Monopolies Commision?
• Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
• When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent
• Why is the word abbreviation so long?
• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
• Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
• What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
• What's another word for thesaurus?
• When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
• If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
• Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
• Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?
• Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
• Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
• What's another word for synonym?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  
  

"The Five Stages of Drunkenness"

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are smart, your RICH and Hell, your better looking than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the final stage of Drunkenness. at this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU, You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words.

Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch, in D minor
Kyles' mom's a bitch She's a big fat bitch She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch She's a bitch to all the boys and girls On Monday, she's a bitch On Tuesday, she's a bitch On Wednesday through Saturday, she's a bitch Then on Sunday, just to be different She's a super King Kamehameha bee-atch Have you ever met my friend Kyles' mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world She's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair She's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, yes she's a stupid bitch Kyles' mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch Kyles' mom is a bit-cha.("bitch" - 31 times!!):

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Viz Top Tips

• Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the b*****d thing in the first place.
• Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
• Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
• Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time.
• Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
• Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.
• Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
• Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
• Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
• Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
• Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
• Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
• Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get drunk, lie in a sand pit in your garden and make-out with every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
• Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
• International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
• People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job

Viz Advertisement

Here's the best advert ever, in the whole history of advertisey-type things

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Things you would never know ....... if it weren't for American TV & Movies

• During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once!
• All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
• If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing parade - on any day of the year.
• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
• All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
• It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you  down.
• Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
• The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
• If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
• You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
• If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
• If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
• When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
• Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
• Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
• Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
• Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
• Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
• The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
• A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
• Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
• Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
• Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
• It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing deviceswith large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
• It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
• Most laptop computers are powerful enough tooverride the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
• No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
• Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
• You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
• Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
• An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
• Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
• Every platoon in the Vietnam war had someone who could play the harmonica.

The infamous Airport Gag!:

MoreOne-Liners!

• Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac? - He lay awake all night wondering if there is a dog.
• If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization
• I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I say `Come here, Stay!' After a while the dog went insane and couldn't move at all.
• Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
• Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
• What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? - "Dam".

The famous Mad Cow Test!:

Your Fun Names!

I don't know if you've tried these pub-games - but if you haven't you should .......... you may find the results a BIG laugh ( Game1: clever & quite amusing, Game2: just as clever & bloody funny!!!!)

Game1: The Novelist
To find you fun "Nome de plume" (your authors name, ya nit), simply add:

• (1) Your Middle name
• (2) The road name where you grew up (drop the "Road", "Avenue" etc.)

Game2: The Porn Star
To find you fun equivalent of "Dirk Digler", just add:

• (1) The name of your 1st pet
• (2) Your mother's maiden name

Video of the British office workers' tribute to Steve Redgrave's 5 Olympic rowing gold medals:

If you know what RTFM stands for, you probably have the dubious pleasure of working in IT and would (admit it or not) like my sad techy humour page

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• Red Dwarf