Telephone menu options for a dial-in mental health clinic:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, have somebody press 2 for you.
If you have multiple-personality disorder, press 3, 4, and 5.
If you are paranoid-delusional, you don't have to press any number. We know
how to find you.
If you are schizophrenic, wait for the little voice to tell you which number
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No-one
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........ newer and better for 2009!
"The Five Stages of Drunkenness"
Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known
universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge
to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course,
the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting
argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire
bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing
they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are
still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can
buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money
parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course
you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't
matter how much you bet'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone
that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those
with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt
you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you
fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of
losing this battle, because you are smart, your RICH and Hell, your better
looking than them anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. at this point you can do anything,
because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU, You dance on a table to impress the people who
you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You
are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through
the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear
you and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words.
Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch, in D
Kyles' mom's a bitch She's a big fat bitch She's the biggest
bitch in the whole wide world She's a stupid bitch if there
ever was a bitch She's a bitch to all the boys and girls On
Monday, she's a bitch On Tuesday, she's a bitch On Wednesday
through Saturday, she's a bitch Then on Sunday, just to be different
She's a super King Kamehameha bee-atch Have you ever met my friend
Kyles' mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world She's
a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair She's a bitch bitch bitch
bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch,
yes she's a stupid bitch Kyles' mom's a bitch and she's just
a dirty bitch Kyles' mom is a bit-cha.("bitch" - 31 times!!):
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Viz Top Tips
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the b*****d thing in the first
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you
have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by
simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting
off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish
and singing all the time.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.
Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking
them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the
offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people
as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning
you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing
up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring
a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under
tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating
into it, before jumping in.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get drunk, lie in a sand
pit in your garden and make-out with every bloke who looks at you over the
Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator
pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope,
and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the
head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour
of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone'
chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save
your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your
desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job
Here's the best advert ever, in the whole history of advertisey-type
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Things you would never know ....... if it weren't for American TV
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club
at least once!
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing parade
- on any day of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control
tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one
will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other
part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even
if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake
of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast,
the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill
- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you
should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises
in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning
even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him
48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object
out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn
the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing deviceswith large red readouts
so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will
know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough tooverride the communication systems
of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial
arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing
around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never
suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or
alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they
are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless
it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting
damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally
at that precise moment.
Every platoon in the Vietnam war had someone who could play the harmonica.
The infamous Airport
Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac? - He lay awake all night wondering
if there is a dog.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet,
what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I say `Come here, Stay!' After a while
the dog went insane and couldn't move at all.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? -
The famous Mad Cow Test!:
Your Fun Names!
I don't know if you've tried these pub-games - but if you haven't you should
.......... you may find the results a BIG laugh ( Game1: clever & quite
amusing, Game2: just as clever & bloody funny!!!!)
Game1: The Novelist
To find you fun "Nome de plume" (your authors name, ya nit), simply add:
(1) Your Middle name
(2) The road name where you grew up (drop the "Road", "Avenue" etc.)
Game2: The Porn Star
To find you fun equivalent of "Dirk Digler", just add:
(1) The name of your 1st pet
(2) Your mother's maiden
Video of the British office workers' tribute to Steve Redgrave's
5 Olympic rowing gold medals:
If you know what RTFM stands for, you probably have the dubious
pleasure of working in IT and would (admit it or not) like my
sad techy humour page